Tuesday, August 7, 2012


When Mallie Bee was just a wee one, her and her friend spent five summers doing synchronized swimming at the local pool.  For $90.00 you could get somebody to Wear. Your. Kid. Out. Every. Morning.  I knew where to spend my bucks.

That's when I discovered how grueling a sport it is.  Practice every morning and it doesn't matter the temperature.  Pointing the toes.  Treading water.  Holding your breath and then holding it some more.  Sucking in water and spitting it out.  And don't forget to smile when you pop out of the water so people think it's fun.

The grand finale of the season was The Big Show on a Sunday summer's eve with lights, music, an announcer and a snack bar.  It's a big deal here in Mayberry.

When it was her last year, we decided to indulge in some pre-show gin and tonics with our neighbors.  The Big Daddy had three, and by the time the show started it was all I could do to keep him from falling off his lawn chair.

After the final routine and thunderous applause from the crowd, there was usually some thank you speeches, but that year there was a commotion on the pool deck.  Oh dear, I think somebody got sick.  The Big Daddy tried to get up to see, but whoa Nellie, he was feeling those gin and tonics.  The Boy Child said, "I think it was Mal.  Yeah, Mom, I'm pretty sure she was the barfer."    

No, no, it's not her.  It can't be her.  Of all these girls here, it cannot possibly be her.

He would not stop laughing and The Big Daddy sat in his lawn chair yammering about The Milky Way and I was steeeeressed.

When it was all over our little mermaid came and got us.  We congratulated her on a great show and she said, "Did you guys see me puke when I got out of the pool?"

Synchronized swimming may look pretty, but when The Hillbillies decide to come out and give it a try you've got yourself a shit show.

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