Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The Prodigal Cat

We have had a feline crisis of sorts around here.  Half of the Turd Brothers went missing.  The Frank half.  Both of these cats go in and out all the time so I was not aware that Frank was AWOL until Mark brought it to my attention that two days had gone by without a Frank sighting.  When two more days had gone by I began to worry about the guy out there in the cold.

We decided not to let Mallory know that under our care the cat population had diminished by 50%, so at dinner last Sunday Maggie asked me on the down low if Mallory knew what was going on.  I shook my head "no" while Will blurted out, "Hey, Mal, did you know that we can't find Frank anywhere?"

So much for keeping secrets.

"What???" she yelled.  "What do you mean Frank is gone?  How long has he been gone?"

Four days, dearie.

"Well, what are you guys doing about it?"

We're worrying that's what we're doing.

"Yeah, but like a plan.  What's your plan to find him and bring him back?"

Oh honey, we have never been planners.  You know that..........we're wingers.

"There is a cat missing.  Plans need to be made here."

She was right and I thought about going to the rental house a few doors away.  We're a little familiar with that family.  When we had our other cat the girl that lived there liked him so much she picked him up and brought him home.  Mal had her suspicions that Beamer was blatantly kidnapped, and so the next day Mark knocked on their door and said to the dad, "Yeah, I think you've got our cat."

"We don't have a cat here," the dad said.

"Yeah, I think you do," Mark said and the case was busted wide open when a meow came from the bedroom of the alleged kidnapper.

This was running through my mind after Mal left and so I looked at Pip and said, "C'mon, find your brother.  Be useful for once in your life."  Pip seemed content to be King of the Cats around here and would stalk fluttering leaves like the half-wit that he is without the slightest idea that he was being kicked out of the house to comb the neighborhood for signs of his brother.

He is gone for good, I thought.  Swooped up by an owl, chased to another zip code by a fox, run away to a better home.

We were sad.  Not that I'd want either of them to lead the gypsy life, but of the two Frank is the least annoying.  Pip will bug the shit out of you all day long until you're screaming WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME like he's some kind of bad boyfriend that keeps showing up drunk, needy and crying with a pee stain on the front of his pants.

Not that I've ever had first hand experience with that.

Mal came home to spend the night on Saturday, and night owl that she is she heard a single meow at 2:00 a.m. at the back door.  Ten days after he left you-know-who came back to his girl.

The Frank Whisperer.

Pip gave him a cat bath after his long journey abroad and our wanderer napped most of the weekend.

On the clean shirts right out of the dryer.



  1. So happy for you all that Frank is back!
    You are a wonderful writer, it is a pleasure to read your blog!!!

  2. Great story . You are an awesome Family !
    So glad I married into it !